My apologies for bumping a very old piece of writefag, but I just can't get away from how enjoyable these were to read! I doubt OP would be even remotely interested in creating more of these, but I can only hope.
These sort of newspapers are more interesting than recent submissions imo.
Oh, and never forget the crosswords. If a crossword is missed again then STALKER can tell you where you will end up.
In the fucking Gulag. That's where.